December 19, 2018

I hate change. I hate it. I honestly didn’t used to, but something inside my brain broke in the last couple of years and change makes every molecule in my body tense. 

Growing up, my mom was a transient. We moved around a lot, which meant that one day we’d be living in an attic, one day we’d be living in a motor home, then suddenly we’d be in a three-story home positively¬†filled with mannequins. And then we’d be evicted from that mannequin mausoleum and be homeless, dreaming of the days when we lived in a room filled with dead-eyed wig-clad mannequins.

I say this to say, I grew up completely inundated with change. The only continuity I expected was change. When the rug is constantly being pulled out from under you, you get good at jumping before you fall. But something happened throughout the course of my twenties: I developed a crushing fear of the unknown. As I’ve gained stability, and assets, and income, I have become fiercely protective of them. And this has not necessarily been a good thing. 

My literal life goal right now is to throw my stability into the sun. The career I’ve delicately cultivated, the savings I’ve amassed, the home I’ve build and the car I’ve spent so much money on — I want it all gone in pursuit of a life of travel. And while that scares the shit out of me, it’s an intentional decision. I’m electing to consciously blow my life up for a year before coming back and going back to full time social services. But in the meantime, anything that threatens to change my current life, anything that’s out of my control, is extremely agitating.

I need to get back to… not caring. I need to recapture that easygoing energy I had as a kid. I didn’t care if we moved because, hey, it happens.

On a more positive note, I’m starting my food diary again! I’m excited because I enjoyed it before and was sad I got out of the habit. It’s a cute, visual diary that makes me want to log my food. 

Current savings: $8,245.00 / $35,000 (23.56%)

Weight goal:¬†0 /100 pounds (?%) still haven’t weighed myself. Fucking slacker.

Car paid off: $214.73 / $4769.22 (4.9%)

Student loans: $3,906.18 / $11,307.96 (34.54%) of my starting total, not student loan total

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