A lot has happened, but also so little

December 9, 2018

When I think about having goals, I never expected moving full-steam ahead towards the clearly defined goals to include so much waiting. And waiting.

First of all, we had a really intense earthquake here in Anchorage about a week ago. It was a 7.0 which is not the biggest earthquake I’ve experienced, but it was also incredibly close, only about 11 miles away. Honestly I thought I was going to die. I thought my work (where I was at at the time) was going to start coming down around us, and in some ways it did. We had cracks in our walls. Many places in town had significant structural damage. Overpasses and on-ramps collapsed. People (myself included) lost power, had burst water pipes, gas leaks. Many appliances were lost.

Ultimately we are moving forward as a city but recovery is taking time, but it doesn’t help that the aftershocks are still coming – we have about 8-10 3.0 or higher earthquakes each day. I had to get rid of some now-irreparably broken items, but ultimately it’s just stuff. Every aftershock makes me want to jump out of my skin. It’s a helpless feeling, knowing the ground beneath you is more than capable of collapsing under you at any moment, and not just that it could but that it has.

On other fronts, my boyfriend and I broke up. And then got back together(?), I suppose. Knowing I’m leaving within a year or two makes everything feel very temporary, including my tenuous relationship. Why fight for something that doesn’t seem to have a future, for both emotional and pragmatic reasons? He has conflicted feelings, and I just want to leave. Doesn’t make for the most hopeful of relationships. Right now I just feel kind of alone.

I’ve moved about 55 times in my life, maybe 56. Many of those times was in my childhood, and the reasons varied from the whimsical to the dire. Sometimes we were suddenly evicted, sometimes my mom wanted a change now and so we’d pack up our few belongings and go on our way. We lived in mobile homes, attics, basements, not one but two barbershop breakrooms, houses, apartments. Sometimes we had nowhere to go.

But one thing has remained consistent, when my mom and I are done, we are done. D-O-N-E. Be it relationships, ideologies, jobs, locations. And right now, I am done with Alaska. I want to leave so bad I want to scream, but I’m not because I want to leave right. I want to leave with intention and planning. I want to go to somewhere, not just away from somewhere. I want to leave accomplishing my goal: to travel. For a year. Wherever I want, and for as long as I want, for as long as I can.

But to do that, I have to wait. I know that if I leave now with the resources I have, it’ll be a shorter-than-intended trip that will be stressful and not at all the dream I have in my mind. I’m by no means suffering. I am working a lot, but that’s okay. I’m spending a lot of time playing Old School Runescape (because I’m so cool) and dealing with a relationship that I’m not sure is going anywhere. Compared to the rest of the world, I’m doing okay. But I’m here, even though I’m done with this place and this mentality, and that is difficult for me.

Anywhoo, here’s my progress:

Current savings: $8,245.00 / $35,000 (23.56%)

Weight goal: 0 /100 pounds (?%)

Car paid off: $0 / $4769.22 (0%)

Student loans: $3,156.10 / $11,307.96 (27.91%)

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